Ha.

I got my closure.
&Man, am I open.

I want the money, and the cars, and the clothes, and the hoes.

I made a cd containing many songs that are like top 40 or whatever. I have some things to say!

Drake, you're not really established enough of a rapper to put out songs like the ones you have. I love you as Jimmy, but you need to call up Jay-Z and get some advice about how to put out songs about more than sex...and sex.
"I may not be a referee but I'll make yo' pussy whistle like the Andy Griffith theme song"Sorry, that's not a good line. You're from Degrassi.

Jay-Z & Alicia, I love you so much you will never understand. The first time I heard Empire State of Mind was the happiest day of my life. &I don't even know why I love that song so much.

Justin Bieber, AWEEEEEE how cute I love you!!!!

Lady Gaga, alright you win. I like Bad Romance, it makes me want to dance like a robot...but I'll never get over Poker Face, or Just Dance. That's asking too much.

John Mayer&T-Swift, BEST FREAKING COMBINATION OF PEOPLE EVER.

MUSE&30STM, you both hold Half of My Heart. (ha get it, cause that's the name of the JM/TS song!?)

&Finally, Chris Brown, Crawl? It has me convinced.

Heat. Touch. Energy. Love.

My right hand is numb.
&I don't know why.

Damn.

Mirror in the sky, what is love?

I love you. I really, really do.



I'm getting older.
&It is getting terrifying.
&So so exciting.

I see your face in my mind as I drive away.

Man, I'm stressed. I have to read 10 more pages in my Gov book before school, and I'm about to throw an "I DON'T WANNA!" hissy fit. &I leave in like 15 mins...will I have time!? Not if I keep dicking around on the computer I won't!

Calculus test tomorrow.
Seven hours of work today.
Awww. Man :(

And in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make.

I love my friends and I loveeeee living: something I haven't let myself do since like my freshman year.

I love having spirit and energy and enthusiasm, and I love being comfortable with myself for the first time in a long time.

Thank you. SO MUCH.

:)

School is killing me. &I work 37 hours next week. Finals are coming, and Christmas, and all the stress and sadness that goes along with it. It's nice to escape, and this weekend was a GREAT escape.

I love you all :)

I'm like the energizer bunny: I just keep going and going and going and going...

Tonight should be awesomely fun.
If not I'm going to be way disappointed.
I'll let you know how it goes :)

&I don't know how it gets better than this.

Alright, confession time:

As much as I HATE Twilight (Okay I don't even hate it, I've never read it or whatever. I just hate how god damn popular it is! I'm sick of hearrrring about it!), Edward is fiiiiiiiine. I've been watching the previews for the movies...mmmmmmm.

Second confession. If I have to read oneee more god damn short story, I'm going to slit my own throat.


Today is gonna be quite a long day. School, home for like half an hour, work till seven. No plans tonight. I'll either find something to do or come home and continue my mad physics rush I've been on. I only have like 5 weeks worth of content left! (As opposed to the 8/9 weeks worth I had on Monday) Maybe I'll actually finish! Hopefully! Sweeeeet :). Gonna read as much of this as I can before I kill myself and then go to schoollll! Have a lovely Friday :)




HEY. YOU. GET A JOB.

Something's wrong when you regret things that haven't happened yet.

I just want to change everything about myself physically anymore.
I'm so boreeeeedd.
I love my new hair, personally.





What will I do next!? You will never know...
(Until I do it, of course!)

I've never been anywhere cold as you.

Thinking about you hurts.
Physically.
I can feel my skin.
I can feel it falling off.

I believe in whatever you do.

I'm in a good mood...despite the essay I need to write but am procrastinating from.
Hey, 200/750 words. That's like...okay nevermind.

This weekend was fun.
Friday: O'Connor game, lit my ass on fired.
Saturday: Coyotes game.
Sunday: Cardinals game.

Two wins out of three ain't bad!
RIP O'Connor Football. I'll see you again, hey, never.
SENIOR YEAR.
Ef yes.

So found out today I can't take any days off of work until January!
That's not the worst part.
My shifts are being changed from seven hour shifts to like 9-12 hour shifts.
That's not really okay with me.
But whatever, I need the money and I found a job I kind of enjoy, so I'm content.

I have eaten so much effing junk food today, I don't even know what to do anymore.










It's just a sad picture, the final blow hits you: someone else gets what you wanted again.
You know it's all the same. Another time and place, repeating history and you're getting sick of it.
I believe in whatever you do, and I'll do anything to see it through.
Because these things will change.

Current song I'm doing my guitar thing to. Fits my voice well. Maybe some day I'll grow balls and put up a music MySpace. Until then, you lose :)

Gonna do my essay.

Gooooodnight! And remember, stop drop and roll.
Or jump on Handro's crotch!

Take me back when the whole world was one block wide, I dared you to kiss me and ran when you tried.

Lately I have really wanted to go home.
Stupid Akron.

Oh my, my, my.

Ryan Gosling makes my heart dance :)

It was the night things changed.

Taylor Swift is everything I have always dreamed of being since I was little.
Why the hell do I have my mind set on law school?
I fucking hate the law.






My butt is in some serious pain. I legitimately lit myself on fire yesterday. And this isn't a joke.

I can be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare.

Every so often, I have this dream. I had it last night.

I dream that my mom has been alive all this time, and that she just left and my dad told us she was dead.

The first time I had this dream was a year or two or three after she died, and I ran across her name in a paper or something. I tracked her down and asked her why, and she just said she couldn't do it.

In the dreams that followed that, she has gotten older and older, and my hate for her has grown stronger and stronger. In these dreams she visits me or I visit her as if she were a distant relative or something. It's so heartbreaking to wake up feeling like it is real, and feeling like I hate this woman that would have done anything for me. Feeling like I disappointed her, or that she didn't want me.

I don't know if you have experienced any similar loss, but in my case, it came accompanied with many dreams that I still have relatively often...nine years later.

I have had dreams where Jesus gave me a test: if I passed, I could have her back. She was sitting in a cage, and I at a desk.
I have had dreams where she was in the hospital and I have visited her because they brought her back alive long enough for me to tell her I loved her; long enough for me to watch her die all over again.
I have had dreams about her from which I have awakened choking on my own tears.

But the worst one is this one. How could she just leave and lie to me throughout all these years. How could she not want to be my mother. What was so much better than her own children?

After the first one, though, I held on hope in real life that this was really the case. That I would pass her on the street one day, or see a picture on the news. Anything is fine; I just want to see her. I wish I could understand the way I feel, but I can't.

I still feel like a part of me is missing.

I miss her so much. Who would I be if she were still alive? Where would I be. What would I look like? Who would my friends be?

I wouldn't be the same person.
Every ounce of good in me came from her. Imagine the person I could be.
I love you.

I am finding out that maybe I was wrong.

You'll have to excuse the ambiguity of my most recent blogs.
Subtle expression without giving away my secrets!! MUAHAHAH.
I'm so odd.

I haven't had a lot to talk about lately. And I got kicked off of the make money for clicks thing cause Handro over-clicked and they discovered my ploy.

Today I began to understand a little more how psycho all my teachers are.
Jackson; hey you have a 750 word essay due tomorrow, GO GO GO!=PSYCHO.
Caron; hey, you know that presentation you have been working on that you're in the middle of presenting right now? It needs to be fifteen minutes long. "Thanks for telling us that before hand Caron"=PSYCHO PSYCHO.
Bobbitt; I'm going to assign you a bunch of problems that I have no idea how to solve=PSYCHO PSYCHO PSYCHO!

Un. Cool.

I gotta go eat before work! Have to leave in half an hour. Be back at seven. Peace out, yo!

My heart, it beats...beats for only you. My heart is yours.

I'm home from work.
I have soooooooo much on my mind.
And soooooooooo much to figure out :/
I hope you had a good day.

I don't know what I want.

Yes I do. I really, really do.

The night has just begun, the moon is low in the sky.

I feel...tired.
I feel...sad.
I feel...stressed.
I feel...alone.
I feel...bad.

I am not having a great night. I wish I had someone there whenever I needed them. But I don't, and it's a lonely feeling.

Things change, and I realize that.
People change, and I understand that.

Sometimes I just wish I could go back to a simpler time.
I want to be 6; having a swimming pool was the coolest thing ever.
I want to be 8; my best friend was right around the corner.
I want to be 10; Oregon Trail was the most stressful school work I had to do.

12 is when it all started getting hard: school, life.
I lost my best friend, but I still had me.

Lately it feels like I don't even have that anymore.
I have lost myself in the past year and a half or so.
I used to dance in line at the movie theater, and climb on walls and run around.
I used to scream whatever came to my mind, I didn't care what people thought.
I never tried to please anyone but myself.
In trying to please you, I lost myself.

I want me back.
I'm trying.

I want someone to be there for me--not say they'll be there for me and sketch out over the stupidest simplist things.

I want a guy who will snuggle and watch movies with me, and hold me until I fall asleep.
Not even a boyfriend. Just a friend.

I just need someone. I'm not sure why.



I can't sleep.

Blonde bombshell!

I have made a decision. I'm staying blonde for a while. Yes yes.

Glabablabaflabahabaraba.

This hair situation is getting a little out of hand.
I decided that my hair was tooooooo...well...ginger status, so I just got done rebleaching it.

And my hair is in no condition to have anything else done to it for a while.

I guess this weekend I'm just going to be scaring any and everyone who sees me.

Or I could get a hat...

Nah, I'd rather scare people!

Oh yes. Here it is.

& THE RESULTS ARE IN!
A little more red than I would have liked but hey, that's what I get for bleaching black hair.
GOODNIGHT ALL!


That's right. Embrace the orange.

Hell or glory: I don't want anything in between.

Well I'm waiting for the bleach in my hair to set.
&No, that wasn't a typo.
If it isn't too attrocious before I dye it brown I'll post a picture for you to all get a kick out of.

GOOD NEWS.
I'm officially an employee of Dockers.
EFF. YES.
:)

Well I'ma go wash this stuff out before all my hair falls out and my scalp burns off. Peace out friends! I'll update later :)

You are beautiful, but you don't mean a thing to me.

I just feel so alone.

The moon is big and bright, it gives me hope.

I really miss you.

Some day I'll fly, some day I'll soar.

"Science sends planes across oceans. Religion sends planes into buildings."

They did the mash!

I wish I had more pictures to add to my Halloween Archive. I've had some interrrresting costumes...from baked potato to Hannah Montana to a banana to a penguin! I love Halloween. I wish I could have bought a costume this year, but I just didn't have the money. Guess I'm being penguin again!

Happy Halloween everyone! Halloween cupcakes on their way!!! Gotta go frost!

Ask me anything.

I just posted one of these on MySpace, and I'm in the mood to do another, so I'm gonna do it on here :)

Did you see a boy today that made you smile?
Clayton always makes me smile, but not for the reasons this question implies haha.

Whats wrong right now?
My eyes burrrrrrn :(

What are you looking forward to?
Haloween, now that I have plans! Yay now I get to go buy a funny costume!

What was the first thing you thought of this morning?
The scariness that woke me up :(

Last time you had a headache and why?
All of today and yesterday and the day before, and I have no idea why :(

Does anyone disgust you?
Duh.

Are you wasting your time on someone?
Hahah kinda. But not really wasting...

Have you ever had a really big fight with a best friend?
Not since I was in like elementary school, I don't think.

Did you smoke a cigarette today or yesterday?
Nope.

Do you think about anyone before you go to bed?
Of course.

Will this weekend be a good one?
Hopefully :)

Do you usually tell people when you're mad at them?
Yeah haha.

Where was the last place you fell asleep other than your own bed?
Jordan's parents' bed hahahah. Actually Handro's couch, now that I think about it.

Were you happy when you woke up today?
No, I was pissed haha.

What did you even do today?
Slept. A lot.

Last person you had a conversation with on the phone?
Dude who called me to set up an interview a few minutes ago.

Last night, did you go to sleep smiling?
No.

Have you ever liked someone you didn't expect to?
Of course I have.

If you could put last night on repeat, would you?
No.

Do you sleep with or without clothes on?
With!

Have any recent regrets?
Not really.

Where is your phone?
Like six inches away from my left hand.

Whats your plans for next weekend?
Halloween party, that's about it so far haha.

Feel bad for anyone today?
I don't know, maybe.

Say hi to a stranger today?
Again, dude who called me.

Do you think everyone would be much happier if they just sat back and took a deep breath?
I don't know, I guess so.

Do you really think diamonds are a girl's best friend?
Nooooo. Pretty guys are :)

Have you done something bad today?
Yeah.

How do you make money?
I don't haha.

How's the weather?
I don't know, pretty nice I'm guessing.

What chores do you have around the house?
None really, just whatever I feel like doing.

What does your hair look like right now?
Just down like it usually is.

If the last person you dated said they were in love with you, you'd say?
Too little too late.

What are 5 things you can grab from where you're sitting?
Phone, bottle o' white out, guitar, cat, paper clips.

Kissed anyone with the name starting with an A, T, B, S, J, C, or M?
S, J, and M.

When was the last time you were sick?
Recently got over bronchitis.

What would you want to experience if you found out you were dying?
So many things.

Would you strip for a stranger for $700?
At this point? Probably haha.

What if a friend asked you to go with her to get an abortion?
I would.

Who did you last shoot a dirty look at?
I'm not entirely sure. Oh, Scott :)

Most money you've ever found?
Not sure.

Does your favorite song remind you of anybody?
I don't really know what my favorite song is. But let's call it 23 and say it reminds me of Tessa and Alex Acosta and Tessa's grandma thinking it was me singing.

Have you seen someone recently you used to talk to, but don’t anymore?
Yeah.

Do you cry?
Obviously haha.

What were you doing at twelve this afternoon?
Scholarship stuff.

Describe the worst day of your life:
June 9, 2000. My mom died.

Describe the happiest day of your life:
Right now I'd say the fair last Thursday! Weee!! SO MUCH FUN!

Do ever have days when you feel really ugly?
All the time haha.

Have you ever read the Bible – even just a little part of it?
Definitely.

What if the last person you kissed was kissing someone else right in front of you?
I would punch him in the crotch.

Ever flung a rubber-band at anyone?
Probably hahaha.

The last person you kissed hates you. Why?
He wouldn't really have a reason to. I'm like nicer to him than I ever have been to anyone haha.

How far is it from your house to Walmart?
Idk less than ten mins in either direction, probably.

What do you think about porta-potties?
I won't go in them. Traumatic experience...

What would you think if your boyfriend still kept pictures of their ex?
He wouldn't be my boyfriend much longer haha.

What woke you up?
The wind that was like shaking my house at four this morning.

Would you rather be at the beach or the lake?
Beach. Lakes are nastyyyy.

What color did you last paint your nails?
Lime green :)

Are you happy?
Sometimes.

Could you go a day without eating?
Easily.

How many arguments have you had with the last person you kissed?
Not one.

Who was your last missed call from?
My daddy. He called me to see if I wanted to go to dinner, but I was passed out :(

You kissed someone last night, didn't you?
No :(

Where were you last night?
Here :(

Any exciting plans coming up?
Halloween :)

Who makes you happiest right now?
A couple people.

Do you find it in your heart to forgive?
I try.

Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn't do?
Of course hahahahah MANY MANY things.

Are you legal to drink?
In France!

Who was the last person you rode in a car with?
Clayton rode in muh car with me :)

What time did you wake up today?
Five thirty.

Did you ever want to be a doctor?
Of course.

Last car ride?
Home from school.

You miss someone huh?
Of course I do.

Do you think you'll have the same best friend a year from now?
Maybe.

My dearest Clayton,

Happy 18th Birthday! Sounds like you had a good night.
I would have given you the cat card but you lost it, because that's what kind of awful friend you are.

I'm really sorry that you can't mollest little girls anymore. I know how lonely you get sometimes.

I still hope you had a cat kind of birthday!





And my own thoughts on life?
I feel really discluded. I'll elaborate tomorrow.
Goodnight.

Ultimate Success!!

I found out yesterday that I was selected as a finalist for this full ride scholarship I applied for. It will cover everything for all four years at either Stanford, Columbia, Princeton, Yale, Vassar, or Brown. I wasn't even expecting to be selected as a finalist. I'm so freaking excited :) Regardless of how unlikely it is that I will be one of the 250/2500 people to actually be chosen, just knowing I have a chance makes me so ecstatic and proud of myself.

I'm not going to be blogging much the next week or so. I need to focus on compiling everything for the applications and financial aid bullcrap. Cross your fingers for me :)

PS. Click on an ad on my blog for me. It will buy you your Christmas presents!

Things change. And friends leave. And life doesn't stop for anybody.

&My, how things have changed.