I see the ice is slowly melting.

I know...it's been forever. I have more important things to worry about than blogging. Unfortunately I seem to be the only one...

But not today! I've been...basically sleeping all day. It's a nice change. And so far, winter break has been decent. I've gotten close with a friend I was starting to grow apart from, and close to someone who I never have been before.

I'm a lot better off on my own, I'm realizing.

I moved into the guest apartment thingy in my house. It's so much better. I can actually sleep past eight in the morning most of the time, I get my own stash of food, two tvs, and my kitty lives up here with me. Its a lot easier to take care of her when her food and litter is in my kitchen instead of hidden away.

A lot of dumb shit has been going on in my life lately, but suddenly I realize that I don't need anyone to make it better for me. I realize that relying on people is a waste of energy, and that the only way for things to get better is for me to make them.

I guess not having something around can help you realize that you don't need it to be happy.

Be my friend. Hold me.

It's been forever since I posted a blog, right? A lot has been going on with stupid school, stupid people, stupid life, etc.

School is ridiculous. So hard this year. I'm more than ready for summer again. Only...8 more months :(. AP classes are bullshit. Advice to everyone that exists: don't take them.

Lately I've felt really alone. I guess maybe that's why I haven't been blogging...I'd feel too much like the computer was my only friend. That, and I knew I'd vent about things on here that I'd later regret saying. People don't need to be all up in my business.

I've felt like a lot of my friends have changed and abandoned me. I'm now dating my former best friend, which eliminates that whole thing, and we've been hanging out less than before. In some ways I feel like he's abandoning me too. But maybe that's just me being ridiculously clingy.

Things are getting better, I guess. The past few days, anyhow.

Sometimes I just wish I could go back in time: change my mind, prevent people from forming habits, kick myself for making shit decisions, relive some moments in my past. Unfortunately, I can't go back to the way things used to be. I'm trying to learn to live with now, though. I wish I just had more time on my hands.

Say what you need to say.

Maybe I'm sick of being mature about stuff. Maybe I want to be immature and say fuck this. Maybe I want to be selfish. Maybe I deserve a little consideration. Maybe some people need to grow up. I've never been so unhappy with my life as I am at this exact moment in time.

WHY WON'T SHE STOP MAKING FUCKING NOISES.

Tonight will be the night that I will fall for you over again, don't make me change my mind.

So my brother leaves for college tomorrow. Before I was so happy he was leaving, but I guess it just hit me that now, I'm like alone in this shitty situation. At least before I had someone that hated this just as much as I do. Now, definitely not the situation. Maybe I'm just jealous he gets to peace out while I have to deal with it for another two fucking years.

And it doesn't help that my dad, before he got married, told me he would set all these rules for...it, and now he's letting his wife walk all over him. I don't know. They're just so fucking inconsiderate. Anyhow...

So the dumbshits at blockbuster (not even worthy of capitalization) didn't take the security tags off my dad's movies. So I had to drive there and demand a refund. It was ridiculous. So, here's my list of establishment of which no one should attend because they suck at existance:

Wendy's
Blockbuster

To be ubiquitous.

I just want out of here.

I want to know what goes on inside some people's heads. Some people I just don't understand at all. I wish I could understand the logic. I wish I could tell people things and make them really hear it. I wish people trusted me more. I'm sorry I lie so much.

I want to teach people something. I want people to really appreciate some things in their lives. I want to help people through difficult things. I want to know why people are the way they are. I want to know their motives, and what they're ultimately trying to do. I wish people would appreciate me. I probably don't deserve it.

I try. You may not notice, but I really try. I guess I'm just not good at some things.

I wish some people would forgive me. I've done a lot of stupid things. I've apologized. I say things I don't mean. I do things I shouldn't. But I can't change the past. I'm trying to make things better...why won't they let it happen?

I'll swim the ocean for you.

I've been trying to hard to become more positive. I know it probably doesn't seem that way. But I really have been. It's just every time I make progress, something shitty happens and pisses me off again.

I complain about everything. I hate everything. I'm basically not willing to give anyone or anything a chance anymore. I'm sick of change. I'm sick of people changing. I'm sick of things changing around me. Every time I'm happy with something or okay with it, it has to change.

Sometimes I just have bad nights. Tonight would be one of them.

I don't know what to do right now. I really just want out of my life. I just want to leave this house. My brother is a lucky fucking bastard.

Its weird how you want something for so long, and then you get it, and then you don't want it anymore, huh.

Ignorance is bliss.

So why do we need an education?

School sucks. I'm already like done with it. Or just...not ready for it.

I'm not too happy with my schedule. Most of my classes are good I guess. Ceramics is the only class I don't really know anyone in. Well...know anyone I WANT to know, anyhow.

Screw school. Screw my life.

I'm really stressed, tired, and upset right now. Who knows why. Goodnight :D

Happiness is a warm gun.

SCREW MY LIFE.
School is soon :(. I still have to do 2 outlines, read an entire book, and write a paper in...
4 days? Oh my god.

HELP ME! :(

As one must go to Europe to see the past, one must visit Southern California to observe the future.

Well, without telling anyone, I took off for California today. For now, I'm chillin. Just thought I'd let y'all know. I know how concerned you guys get!
:D

Because music is what feelings sound like...

It's strange how certain songs can always put you in a certain mood. Like, "Here Comes The Sun," always makes me feel like everything's okay. It makes me feel like things will always get better. I guess that's the point.

Music is a wonderful thing. I miss it. I used to be so into it and obsessed with it and always up with the new stuff, but lately I've been slacking. Well, no more!

On a different note, a lot of things are going on. If you wanna know, though, you'll just have to ask :D. I love you all. Goodnight! :D :D :D

Happy, Happy, Happy!

Happy would-be 51st Birthday, Mom! :D

When walls are put up not to keep people up, but to see who cares enough to break them down.

Ah. I have so much going on right now. I don't know what I'm going to do once school starts. Right now I have a bunch of assignments to do. I actually did a lot of one tonight, which helps me feel a bit better, but still...summer homework? Teachers are fucking retards.

I start working soon...!...:(. I don't know what to think. Before, I mean, I was excited about it because I had nothing better to do with my time, and I'd love to have actually earned my money for once, but now...? I don't know, I'm just lazy and don't feel like working!

I pretty much hate myself right now. I'm definitely trying to work on that, but I need my sleep! It's a crucial part of my existance. I guess that doesn't really show by the fact that I'm up at 4:32 AM now, does it.

And I have SO MUCH I want to write about. Too bad I CAN'T! Not yet, anyhow. Idk. It's just about killing me though.

I'm starting to realize how amazing some people are though. And how much some other ones suck at existing...but let's be positive, because for once in my life, I feel positive. Maybe not about what's going on in one half of my life, but definitely about what's going on in the other half.

I bet I've confused you! Well. School starts soon. BOOOOO to the max. But at least I have an excuse to do mass shopping with Brittany! Woo!



On a more upsetting note:
I hate my house. I can't stand living here. It's just ridiculous. I shouldn't have to dread coming home. Home should be a place you yearn for once you're away. Not some place that you'd do anything to get away from. I'm thinking about sound proofing my room, as well as enabling it with an FBI secret files quality security system to keep out the...well...yeah. Chains, deadbolts, lasers, and insulation seem to be the only hope left. Wish me luck.

For now, I'm going to bed.

And I'll contemplate life in ways that Blogger could never help me achieve!

I'm tired, I get weird when I'm tired...

Lo siento, amigos!

So basically, sorry I haven't blogged in like...3 weeks. I've had a lot going on. I can totally drive now!!!



It makes me love life. A lot has happened since July 3rd. If you really care, go ahead and ask me. But I don't have much time to blog now. I am actually gonna go down and work on my outlines and what not for stupid school that starts in 3 weeks!! BOOOO!! I hate school, but as of now, I love life :D!

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.

I'm not a person who gets along with everyone, and I'll be the first to admit that. However, having enemies really bothers me. I'm sure most of you don't know that, because I don't come off as the kind of person who cares, but sometimes I do.

If you hate me, that's fine, whatever, but what I can't handle is people who constantly want to start little drama. Esp. people who can't accept neutrality.

Guys are great. They make great friends. They don't start stupid crap. So are my few female friends. They're some of the only girls who DON'T act like stupid bitch hoes!

I've been trying to catch up on my summer reading or whatever. I read the Crucible at the end of the school year, but I just started, "Grapes of Wrath," a few days ago. I initially hated it, but it's better now that I'm kinda getting into it.

So...anyhow...I know you're all drying to see these photos:

I'm looking forward to my future as the crazy cat woman.

She attacked me today, though :(

Fortunately, we're friends again.

Anyhow, gonna go talk to Brittany/ Read/ Waste time before I fall asleep. Goodnight everyone!

PS: 4 days to license! And my awesome birthday party at Peter Piper. YUSS!!

We never understand how little we need in this world until we know the loss of it.

A lot of my life has changed lately.

It's hard for me to understand why I miss her so much when I've lived more of my life without her than I did with her. Maybe it's just that all the things going on now are making me think of how much easier life would be if she were still around.

I've dealt with this for eight years, and I'd have to admit, it still sort of feels like she's being replaced. Some feelings never go away.


Deborah Jean Williams
July 26, 1956- June 9, 2000
Because I know most of you have never seen her.
(Or my natural hair color ;D)

Well, my birthday's soon. 6 days to car! :D

The key to change is to let go of fear.

My dad's wedding is tomorrow. Is it wrong to not even want to go? Yeah, it is. I'm too mature to be feeling the way I feel right now, but I can't really help it anymore. It's hard to change when things have been the same way for the entirety of the life you remember.

Anyhow, I've been falling in love with the Beatles all over again ever since I saw, "LOVE!" in Vegas. Abbey Road, bitches! Go listen to it. If you have any taste, you'll fall in love.

I'm HOOOOOMEEEE!!

I just got back from Vegas. Despite a few issuses, it was really fun. I saw Love, which was pretty cool, and Elton John, which was amazing. Plus I spent a shit load of money, WOOO! So here, some photos for you all :D.



Free boa for Elton's 200th show! This picture needed to be included haha.

Me, my daddy, and Pete Rose.

Viva Las Vegas!

Off to Vegas with my daddy bright and early tomorrow morning! I'm seeing Elton John, Love, and maybe even Thunder Down Under with Brittany ;D Haha. Anyhow, it's my dad and I's "bonding" time before he gets married I guess. So anyhow, that's where I'll be the next few days. Don't worry, though. I'm taking my computer :D. Good night everyone!

Wanna know what pisses me off?

Comment and tell me what pisses you off!

Our excuses for global domination always change.

Woo. Idk if I blogged about this, probably not because it was a while ago, but I'm gonna tell you about my whole garage deal.

A few weeks ago, in anticipation of maybe getting a car, as well as extreme boredom, I went out to the garage and was like, "gee, there's no room for another car in here." So I cleaned out the entire single car part of our garage. This took me at least 5 hours. So I call my dad and was all, "I cleaned the garage so now I have a place to park my car if you buy me one." His response to this was, "If there's an extra parking spot in that garage, it's going to Linn, not you."

I was pretty PISSED because I spent 5 hours on it. But, anyhow, the significance of this story is that I just moved the few remaining items in the parking spot, and, consenquentially, I STOLE MY SPOT BACK!

Riches do not consist in the possession of treasures, but in the use made of them.

Look what I got today :D

The World is a book, and those who do not travel read only a page.

A lot of you probably know about this, as I've been talking about it a lot. I'm super excited.
Anyhow, I'm going on a trip to Europe next summer, and I got the book telling all about it today. I'm currently going through it, hence the blog.

We're going to England, France, Switzerland, Italy, and Greece. A billion cities in each. The trip is like 17 days long, maybe longer.

I never expected my dad to let me go. But I'm so so so happy he did. Seeing the world always has been and will be a goal of mine. Plus I'm going with Kami, which automatically makes it awesome :D.

DISCLAIMER: Only read the following paragraph if you care what I'm doing every day in Europe. If you don't, no worries, if it were you, I probably wouldn't care.

The first day we fly overnight to england. Second and third day we tour London, Big Ben, Westminster Me [Abbey :D], and we get to go torment the guards at Buckingham. Fourth and fifth day we go to Paris on the 'eurostar', see the Eiffel Tower and whatnot. Sixth and Seventh days we go to Lucerne [Switzerland, losers :D] and possibly go to Mount Pilatus and ride down on some weird sled things. Days eight and nine we're in Florence, Italy, maybe go to the leaning tower of pizza (Ha, I wish!), no Pisa. Day ten, we're in Assisi and eleven in Rome. There we get to see Vatican city and the Sistine Chapel (Oh my god, I've ALWAYS ALWAYS wanted to see that), plus the Pantheon and Colosseum. Day twelve we're in Sorrento, thirteen in Pompeii. We take an overnight ferry from Brindisi to Igoumenitsa. Day fourteen we're in Meteora. Fifteen, Delphi, Greece, and sixteen, in Athens. We get to see the Acropolis and maybe go on a 3 day cruise from Greece to Turkey or something like that. Then, whether it's day seventeen or day twentyone, we come home, and I'm reunited with all you lovely people :D.

Anyhow, that's my current excitement. Aside from my awesome car. Man I need to get a job to pay for all this shit. My dad's getting me a job in some office, so yay NO minium wage!! :D.

Anyhow, I'm on the verge of passing out. Goodnight everyone :D.

Desire is motivation.

The main reason I'm writing right now, I'll admit, is because the pictures on the sidebar of this blog go down much farther than the actual blogs. That annoys me. Well also, I have no life...but that's beside the point.

I did, actually, skip a day of blogging, although, since my other 2 were both after midnight, it doesn't appear so. Whatever, doesn't matter. I know you people love hearing about every day of my life.

YESTERDAY WAS SO BOMB. We drove my bro to the airport, took my mom a bouquet I made for her at the cemetery (god, its so different from what I remember)(Oh yeah, I have something to say about this later so...*!), and then we were off to Cardinale Way Mazda. OH MY GOD!! We went out there and my dad's friend that worked there like had a bunch of cars ready for us, so we went over there and there were three red 07 Mazda 3's and then a bunch of gay white and silver ones. But I picked this one with tinted windows and a black interior and they totally let me test drive it. They let a fifteen year old test drive a car! I love those dudes. Anyhow, now I'm completely in love with every aspect of that car. Its all I can think about. But we talked to the dude about money and stuff, and I'm totally getting it!

Sorry, that was like a Mazda fangirl rant, but I'm so excited. Anyone who knows me knows how obsessed I've been with what car I'm getting for the past like 6 months. Anyhow, yeah I'm almost 100% getting it, just when it's a little closer to my birthday. Then I have to get a job to help pay for it, but that's totally okay with me. It'll feel good to have something like that actually be MINE. :D I'm so happy :D :D :D.

Then my dad and I went to lunch and then I drove home, hung out with Scottydog, it was a good day.

Today my dad called me at like ten damn thirty and woke me up. (Yeah I know it's not that early but it is for me) I got ready, went shoe shopping with Linn, we went to Olive Garden, YUM, and then Costco, and then to some wedding flower lady, and then home. Now I'm just sitting here bored...and apparently Terrence saw the ex-guitarist for Korn at Kung Fu Panda. That's what I'm currently texting him about, so I thought I'd throw it in.

*(The thing from up there^^) When we were at the cemetery, my dad was talking about how Linn wants him to be burried not in the burrial plot next to my mom that he bought 8 years ago, but next to her. I'm sorry, but in my book, that's pretty fucked up. If she gets him in life, my poor dead mother that only got to see 43 years should get him in death. Maybe I'm overreacting, but that really means a lot to me, and if he changes his will to not be burried next to my mom, I'll probably never talk to him again.

This blog was kind of randomly all over the place, and didn't contain anything of interest, but thank you for reading :).

Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.

I hate talking about this...I figure no one will read this anyhow:

Well, today has come. In a few hours, around 3ish, it will have been 8 years since my mom died. It wasn't until recently I've learned what really happened that night. I respect that they didn't tell me at the time, though. I definitely would have freaked out.

I don't tell people, often, what happened that night. I don't know if I'm willing to start now, but you should know that it contained the biggest regret of my life. People hear the phrase, "Don't take ... for granted," every day. I know that hearing it doesn't affect anyone's opinion of anything, usually. But it's true. Don't take anyone for granted.

I loved my mom. She's the reason I play the piano. She's the one who helped me practice...okay, made me. She told me how she'd always wanted to play, but her mom couldn't afford it. The night she died, she wanted me to play the piano. I wouldn't. I remember walking up the stairs that night. She was sitting in this big ugly green chair in our downstairs living room. I didn't think anything was wrong.

I wish more than anything I could have one conversation with her. I know nothing about her life before me. I wish I could hear her voice again. I don't remember it at all.

I wonder every day of my life where I'd be right now if that hadn't have happened. I wonder if things would really have been that much easier.

I love my dad. I remember crying in his arms in the big leather office chair. I remember how strong he stayed. Eight years goes fast. Eight years, and sometimes I still cry myself to sleep thinking about it.

ANYHOW. I hung out with Scotty today. We laid in the driveway and looked at the stars and talked about martians :). I miss him :(.

Car shopping tomorrow...well today. I'm gonna try to sleep...probably won't happen though. Goodnight.

Inspired.

Well, I've been inspired by Ms. Brittany to start one of these. I've been meaning to do blogs forever, but I'm over MySpace. Too cliche...not that this isn't. However, I have a lot on my mind lately, a lot going on, and maybe it'll make me feel better to let some of it out.

First of all, my 16th birthday is in 29 days. I'm soooo excited. I hate having such a late birthday, but hopefully it'll be worth the wait. It's going to feel so good to never have to ask for rides anywhere or mooch off my friends anymore :). I'm going car shopping Monday, after my dad and I drop my brother off at the airport (he's going to Ohio for college orientation) and go visit my mom at the cemetery for the first time in years. My dad has a poker bud at the Cardinale Way Mazda dealership in Mesa. Sweet Mazda3!!

Monday marks the 8 year anniversary of my mom's death. Also it would be my parents 19th wedding anniversary. It's strange how fast it has gone, and how much my life, and I, have changed since then. It sucks to not remember my own mother...but at least she lives in me. I've been looking for old videos and stuff, but I have a feeling my dad's ex-fiancee "lost" them when we moved. It's also strange how random the few memories I have of her are...I'd name a few, but I don't want to think about it right now. I don't know whether to be sad about my mom being gone, or happy about the experience at perspective it has given me. I grew up at a very young age, and that's a lot of the reason I am who I am today.

My brother's leaving for college, which should be the happiest thing to ever happen to me, but now that my dad's getting married, I don't know how to feel about it. For the past 5 years I've just been looking forward to my brother leaving and it just being my dad and I. But now, it won't be. 2 more people are moving in. My dad's soon-to-be wife, and her daughter. With my dad's last fiancee, I was the annoying little girl to the older daughter. My, how the tables have turned, eh? It's the exact same situation too, totally weird :\. I want my dad to be happy. As much as I hate the idea of this whole situation, I want him to be happy. It just upsets me that I don't think this is going to do it for him. I don't think he loves her...but it's his decision. I'm just along for the ride...again.

I'm trying to be more optimistic about life. Well, I've faced the fact that I'll always be pessimistic. That's what happens when every time you've tried to be optimistic about something in your life, it went terribly awry. I guess I'm just trying to have a little more fun...be a little more willing to do...whatever! I don't know how to explain...you get it. :D

Last year, I lost close relationships I used to have with a lot of people. Don't get me wrong, I gained a lot too, but I miss them. I miss the people I used to trust with anything. Lately I've been talking to some of them again, but it'll never get back to the way it used to be. Some are just too far away, moving on to bigger and better things, or completely destroying their lives. Some, however, are realizing how much they really do need me ;D.

This year, I made a lot of mistakes. I did some things that I'd give anything to take back. However, I think those things did teach me a lot. They taught me to be a little more careful, don't trust just anyone, don't let people down, and to never settle for anything or anyone.

I think I'm happy right now. It's summer, I have Scott, I have Kami, I have a few of my old friends back, and I'm finally realizing my life could be a lot worse.