Inspired.

Well, I've been inspired by Ms. Brittany to start one of these. I've been meaning to do blogs forever, but I'm over MySpace. Too cliche...not that this isn't. However, I have a lot on my mind lately, a lot going on, and maybe it'll make me feel better to let some of it out.

First of all, my 16th birthday is in 29 days. I'm soooo excited. I hate having such a late birthday, but hopefully it'll be worth the wait. It's going to feel so good to never have to ask for rides anywhere or mooch off my friends anymore :). I'm going car shopping Monday, after my dad and I drop my brother off at the airport (he's going to Ohio for college orientation) and go visit my mom at the cemetery for the first time in years. My dad has a poker bud at the Cardinale Way Mazda dealership in Mesa. Sweet Mazda3!!

Monday marks the 8 year anniversary of my mom's death. Also it would be my parents 19th wedding anniversary. It's strange how fast it has gone, and how much my life, and I, have changed since then. It sucks to not remember my own mother...but at least she lives in me. I've been looking for old videos and stuff, but I have a feeling my dad's ex-fiancee "lost" them when we moved. It's also strange how random the few memories I have of her are...I'd name a few, but I don't want to think about it right now. I don't know whether to be sad about my mom being gone, or happy about the experience at perspective it has given me. I grew up at a very young age, and that's a lot of the reason I am who I am today.

My brother's leaving for college, which should be the happiest thing to ever happen to me, but now that my dad's getting married, I don't know how to feel about it. For the past 5 years I've just been looking forward to my brother leaving and it just being my dad and I. But now, it won't be. 2 more people are moving in. My dad's soon-to-be wife, and her daughter. With my dad's last fiancee, I was the annoying little girl to the older daughter. My, how the tables have turned, eh? It's the exact same situation too, totally weird :\. I want my dad to be happy. As much as I hate the idea of this whole situation, I want him to be happy. It just upsets me that I don't think this is going to do it for him. I don't think he loves her...but it's his decision. I'm just along for the ride...again.

I'm trying to be more optimistic about life. Well, I've faced the fact that I'll always be pessimistic. That's what happens when every time you've tried to be optimistic about something in your life, it went terribly awry. I guess I'm just trying to have a little more fun...be a little more willing to do...whatever! I don't know how to explain...you get it. :D

Last year, I lost close relationships I used to have with a lot of people. Don't get me wrong, I gained a lot too, but I miss them. I miss the people I used to trust with anything. Lately I've been talking to some of them again, but it'll never get back to the way it used to be. Some are just too far away, moving on to bigger and better things, or completely destroying their lives. Some, however, are realizing how much they really do need me ;D.

This year, I made a lot of mistakes. I did some things that I'd give anything to take back. However, I think those things did teach me a lot. They taught me to be a little more careful, don't trust just anyone, don't let people down, and to never settle for anything or anyone.

I think I'm happy right now. It's summer, I have Scott, I have Kami, I have a few of my old friends back, and I'm finally realizing my life could be a lot worse.